Not Like Me and Doug
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Follow on from chemistry in the kitchen episode. Ste's POV. A one shot.


**After that shocking episode i felt i had to write something from Ste's POV, if only for my own pleasure. I really hope we don't have to wait too much longer for our boys to reunite.**

**Not Like Me and Doug :)**

"Joel here wants to do a dinner for Theresa, really impress her, do something fancy, I mean impress her. Can ye help?"

"By help you mean me just make it all don't ya?"

"Yeah.."

I wonder if he knows how good it makes me feel that he asks me for help, I feel almost equal to him now. I always used to think that he was better than me but I don't feel that way anymore. I can stand up to him, I can leave him speechless and I can mask my true feelings for him…finally.

"Steven, thanks for helping"

"I didn't do it for you"

Of course I did it for him, who else would I do it for? I don't even really like Joel, he's just a wannabe Brendan Brady and thankfully there is only one of them.

"I just think it's decent the way you're looking out for Joel. But it doesn't change anything between me and you okay?"

"Yeah I know"

"Do ya?"

"It's hard not to with Douglas on my sofa"

"Doug isn't the reason things are like this"

"Sketch"

When Joel invited me I could have come on my own, but then that wouldn't have been a good idea. With Doug around I can pretend that I no longer care, I can be hard faced and show him no compassion, but take Doug away and I'm faced with my heart's desire which is undoubtedly him.

I felt sorry for him really, me and Doug sat there in his home, that must have been hard for him, I know I wouldn't like it if it was the other way round. I can see he's changing, I like the man he is becoming, I liked the man he was, apart from the abuse of course, but I still wouldn't change it, I've learnt so much from it…from him.

I just wish I could have had a proper chance with him, I will always wonder what it would have been like to be in a proper relationship with him, I guess now I'll never know. I am with Doug and outwardly I have moved on, I can't go back he completely broke me, I'd rather die than feel that way again. He'd only get bored of me eventually and I won't risk the life I have now for a foolish dream.

Now I adore him only in my head, where no one can see and no one can judge. I make out I don't care because the minute he thinks I do, he'll reel me back in, just like he has done before and then where would I be? So then why do I still want him? Why am I not letting go of him? If I have no intention of ever being with him again why am I always involving myself in his life?

When he called me asking for help I could have just refused, but I didn't. When Joel invited me to the dinner party I could have said no, but again I didn't. I still like being around him despite what I might say, I enjoy spending time with him; I don't think that will ever change, regardless of our relationship status.

He's addictive, the more I see of him the more I want to see of him. He is bad for my health though as even now when I look at him, my heart skips a beat, he still makes me happy. I remember his words…

"Are you trying to tell me that these moments don't make you happy Steven? That you don't get a buzz when I'm close like this?"

Yeah I got a buzz; I always got a buzz off of him that was never the problem was it? I tell him I don't, I tell him I can't stand him but it's not true. The thing is I can't stand myself for still loving him. I nearly kissed him that day, there is still so much between us, I feel it every time I am near him and I know he feels it too. He did me a favour though he pushed me away…

"Steven this isn't what you want..."

But it was, it was what I wanted deep down, but because I'm constantly being horrible to him now, telling him there is nothing between us I think he is starting to believe it. Right now though, I am enjoying seeing the softer side of Brendan Brady. Since losing Lynsey he has changed dramatically and it warms me to see, I only wish that I would have been enough for him to change, who knows where we would be if he had.

We'd probably be enjoying a normal happy relationship…no, me and Brendan could never do normal, I wouldn't want us to. It would be fun, exciting and fiery but there would never be a dull moment in our relationship. We'd row a lot, no doubt, but then we'd make up and we'd have the best make up sex, it would never be boring between us. We'd laugh, we'd cry, we'd probably want to kill each other sometimes but it would never be normal.

Not like me and Doug.

**Please review **** xxx**


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